Draft Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert: Stewart/Colbert for President '08 sign now

We, the undersigned, would very much like to draft Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert as candidates for President and Vice-President of the United States of America. As both represent the non-Canadian contingent of the American comedy scene, and as naturalized citizens, both may technically and legally run for the aforementioned executive offices under Article II, Section 1 of the U.S. Constitution.

We feel that American politics has become a lie and an illusion created to give a semblance of change in the power structure of government, though ultimately the status quo remains the same. With American politicians actually afraid to speak their minds in public, the American people aren't even getting a fraction of the story from their elected public officials. The inherent transparency of representative government for and by the People has been undermined by secrecy, and this we feel can only lead to tyranny.

We feel that American is in danger of becoming the world's biggest jerk. A bullying nation that's forgotten the humor behind such patriotic phrases as "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." We feel that it is the comedians-- those whose satiric social commentary sheds light on subjects better left unsaid in favor of the vapid drumbeat of celebrity culture-- who are the only arbiters of truth, and even possibly justice left in this great nation of ours.

It is time for a change! Speak out America! Vote for a Liberal New York Jewish comic, and a Southern-bred Catholic satirist who plays at being a fire-brand conservative with a flair for the dramatic. The Borscht-Belt and the Bible Belt will finally be buckled together, just as they ought to be (and just in time for the coming Apocalypse, too!).

All we must do as Americans is simply imagine the possibilities of a successful Stewart/Colbert '08 ticket: a presidential cabinet consisting of Rob Corddry, Samantha Bee, and even possibly Steve Carrell (if he can be pulled away from some multi-million dollar film set where he's earning a percentage of the gross for the measly salary of a presidential aide and the possibility of serving time in a Federal prison for perjuring himself during a Congressional hearing on President Stewart's handling of the Iraqi troop withdrawal). If Tony Snow can do the presidential aide shtick, we know that Team Daily Show can do the same damn thing... only with better lines and snide little witticisms.

Imagine President Stewart at Camp David in tough negotiations with Edward Fenech Adami, the President of Malta over their strict falcon importation policies. Imagine Vice-President Colbert shooting his best friend in the face during a Davos World Economic Forum quail-hunting retreat, and then getting Russia to ban caviar exports to East Timor and you can see how a Stewart/Colbert ticket will reflect America's values abroad. Iran? You best be counting the days 'til your clerics end up at an all-night rave party with glow sticks a-twirlin'. Iraq? An immediate troop withdrawal, and free lattes for all insurgents is just what the Stewart Administration ordered (if elected). North Korea? You're just years away from a hostile takeover from the Samsung Corporation (with President Stewart's approval, of course)... we want our HD-TV in America and we want it now! Start producin' top-quality electronics products and that delicious Korean barbecue of yours, and we'll start rebuilding whatever infrastructure you've got left, and bill you at wholesale prices.

On domestic issues, well let's just say a gay America will be fabulously proud of President Stewart once he's elected. And if you've ever wanted to open up a cannabis coffeeshop on your neighborhood street corner, perhaps you should be inquiring about that small business loan right about now-- because the Stewart Administration would probably end the Drug War in its first 100 days in office. Give or take a day. If only Christopher Reeve had lived to see what life could be like under President Stewart's stem-cell policy, he would stand up and cheer... no doubt about it.

Though we cannot yet ascertain their plan for governing, nor do we know their strategy for getting us the hell out of the Middle East, it nevertheless behooves us, as members of a great nation poised on becoming really, truly lame, to take up the meager reins of power given us by the Founders and place our vote for the only Presidential ticket that has any meaning in a post-Bush era (and may even save us from ourselves). That ticket is Stewart/Colbert in '08!!


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